Remember To Breathe

Life Happens...Fast.

2010-08-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

So here I am. I'm a wife and a mother. There are no words that could express the feelings of joy and awe when my awesome husband holds me close while we admire our beautiful baby girl. So instead of trying to explain, here:

Life happens so fast.

Life...

2010-03-12T13:15:00.000-08:00

is beautiful. Right now there's a little angel inside me kicking and sucking her thumb. Her name is Raia, and I just can't wait to see her smiling little face and hold her tiny little hands.
You never really know if you're ready for anything until it happens, because you can't predict your reaction until its real. I know for sure that I have never felt more complete, more beautiful, and more ready.
The irony of my blog being called "Remember to Breathe"...is that her feet are always pushing on my lungs and I am always short of breath. I guess she already has a sense of humor...

2009-12-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

Fate is real. Destiny brushes a path out in the sand for you, and even if you don't think you're taking it, you are. I swore I would never. I promised I wouldn't. I knew that I couldn't. But I did quit drinking, and I did decide to get married, and it turns out that I am able to become pregnant. And so life bestowed upon me what I never thought I would have : my own little family. Just add water. Or in this case, sex. Nonetheless, I am two months pregnant. And I am terrified, hopeful, worried, and elated all at the same time. Welcome to adulthood. For real this time.

They Say...

2009-10-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

As if to prove to myself that time doesn't heal...today was nothing that I expected. I awaited the arrival of this day with a strange complacence. I knew it would be hard, but not hard like this. I wanted to throw things, to break things. To hear the satisfactory thud and crash of something other than my heart hitting the floor and shattering into a thousand unmanageable pieces. I wanted to cry. But I suppose somewhere deep inside I knew that none of those things would make me feel better, or make the pain go away. Because I have done it all before, and the pain is still there, always there. So instead of being angry I was just numb. Strangely numb all day. And I hate myself for that. I should be crying. I should be sad. I should not be able to drive to work and take phone calls and send text messages and shop and eat and shower and live. How can I just live? I should be so angry. But instead I am just broken, still always a little bit broken, like I have been ever since that day so long ago, five years ago today, on Wednesday, October 27th, 2004, when my father died too early from a disease that has mercy for no one. They say time heals a broken heart...but in a way, time only adds weight to the fracture.

They Say...

2009-10-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

They say that time heals a broken heart. Well, I'll be the first one to tell you, that isn't true. Certainly, time manages to fade the memory a bit. Enough to cope...but I don't think that there is really any amount of healing - you're still the proud owner of an ugly wound. And there is simply either the willingness and ability to move on, or the lack thereof. But even years after moving on, part of you still remains inextricably broken in some small way that may not be visible to others, but is very much noticeable to you. Certainly if you skin your knee while rollerskating when you're seven years old, it doesn't haunt your dreams and every waking moment of your life, but even a decade later, if you throw on rollerskates, that memory wakes up, aches a little in some small place, affects your behavior...affects how careful you are not to get hurt again. But inevitably, you always get hurt again...

2009-09-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

Every place is our place. We weave gracefully through crowds like seasoned tourists and navigate deserted highways like its all we've ever known. And as lonely souls drift by us, maybe we infect them with our sickening happiness, if only just a little. I can only hope.

Chances Are...

2009-09-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you reach so far it hurts. Sometimes you ache for it until every bone in your body resonates with need. Sometimes you search until you cannot seem to hold your eyes open. And sometimes, just sometimes, you find exactly what you were looking for. The world isn't against you.

I'm Sorry Dad.

2009-08-26T02:01:00.000-07:00

It was your birthday Sunday...I didn't even remember. I am angry at myself for that. How ironic that I was tromping around in places like this, all light and shadow and darkness, all trash and rotting. Like it was when you were gone. Used to be home to me. To you. To us. Drove by there almost a year ago, now its home to someone else. Bet they don't know a little girl's daddy spent two years dying of cancer in there. Bet they don't know I drove nine hours straight in traffic from hell to get back there every other weekend. Bet they don't know they stole home from me. Oh well. Life goes on, right? I'm sorry, Dad.

2009-08-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

The world is a vast place. A million unexplored nooks and crannies. Forgotten places, broken things, beauty...and magic everywhere. And I don't want to see any of it without you.

2009-08-08T00:21:00.000-07:00

I'd walk until the end of time.
persevere in my lonely climb.
it doesn't matter what i find.
it doesn't matter what's behind.
I'll close my eyes and navigate blind.
I'd walk until the end of time.
to get to you.

And take Pictures

2009-07-29T13:52:00.000-07:00

you're dying. we all are. every minute, every second, every moment that passes us by, is one less that we have to live. so do something. make something beautiful. and then send it to someone. play in the rain. and take pictures. love someone. run around in your underwear...and take pictures of that, too. and send them to someone you love. travel. swim. eat. drink. sing. love. cry. laugh. dance......and take pictures!

2009-07-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

There has to be another path, some clue that I missed. What is the point of all this? I don't know where I'm going. I'm almost thirty, damn it. Where is my shining path? Did I go the wrong way? And if I find the way now, will I know that it is the way, or will I just miss it again? I need some sort of direction, or else I'm just fumbling in the dark...wasting time. How exactly do these signs present themselves? Can Destiny resend the email, because I think it went to my spam folder...

I miss you

2009-07-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

The city lights just appease my eyes tonight, the wind a treasured visitor in the lonely strands of hair that caress my face. I like to sit and think, but why is it that despite valiant efforts, my thoughts always turn to you?

Prayer

2009-07-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

I know you can practically smell it on my breath, this ragged discontent. You're never quite sure if it's you, if you've done something wrong. I wish I could tell you. I don't see me the way you do.

Daddy

2009-07-25T05:24:00.000-07:00

It has taken me a while to come around. I kept thinking that he was gone. But I know now that he is not. Where could he have gone? He's made of the same thing I am, dust, and bone, and soul. And so, he's there, somewhere. He feels too far away, but we are on the same Earth. See the same sky. I just wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye.

What Forever Means

2009-07-25T05:13:00.000-07:00

I can remember when time was measured in the days it had been since I had seen you. In the moments until you arrived on my doorstep. In the breaths I took in between making love to you. In the seconds until you were safe and warm in my bed again. In heartbeats as I fell asleep in your arms. In raindrops on my bedroom window.
I suppose it always will be.

Pieces of Home

2009-07-25T04:42:00.000-07:00

It was here that we met. Here that our eyes connected for just a moment too long, that we almost touched oh, so many times...here that we sat for hours and talked, that we said too much...that we came to know each other. Here that we first kissed. And for those reasons, this will always be my home. Although we may travel to many locations, and love them all, I will always carry this place in my heart, this picture of a moment in time where two strangers brushed souls, and never pulled away.

***photo by Stephen McConnell

Shards of Time

2009-07-25T03:47:00.000-07:00

Another fragment in time, that we somehow managed to capture, trapped in my mind like a firefly in a jar. A beautiful shard of time where we sat on a sun-dappled mountaintop, smiling like idiots in love.....

Remember To Breathe

2009-07-25T03:36:00.000-07:00

sometimes, when I stop and think about it, so much has happened. some of it good, and some not very good at all. some things seemed to last forever, and some happened so fast, they almost passed me by. life can be that way, the days make up years in such a way that sometimes we don't even notice. it's been such a long road. still, I wouldn't change a thing. everything that happened brought me to where I am now, and I feel like it's a good place. maybe I just wish I had paid a little more attention to the details...I'd know what I did right. but one thing I do know now, is that there's no need to hurry. life will happen, whether you want it to or not, just how it wants to, without your input. so I know, I can slow down a little. remember to breathe.